I had a dream once when I was 18... when I woke up, I knew my heart had changed somehow.
In the dream, I was riding in a car with all of my friends. A blue convertible. We drove off a bridge and were free-falling for what felt like forever. As we were falling, I turned to everyone in the car and begged them to help me... pleaded, screamed, shook, cried... everyone ignored me. And then it hit me... the moment that changed the course of my life.
Here's a poem I wrote shortly after.
Around and around
and around and laugh, smile, and turn away
And frown. And around and around and I
worship that nod
of approval. Tactile acknowledgement, fleeting fear, perfect
and empty. Please just stay. Gone.
And back. And around. I can touch life, touching
My way around with glazed eyes. I can hear
the voice, please. Thanks
for calling I’m here, you’re here.
Turn them away, they have nothing to offer.
Hold me, look, and around and around
And Down. If only the high reached the last low.
Lather up that smile in my hands and wash it clean.
And my eyes close.
And I wait for them to open when the sun comes back.
There I am off the bridge.
And im Weightless but so heavy.
And the car is blue, and I turn and I shake and I scream and I cry and he fails me.
So I turn and I beg and she fails me. They all do.
And everyone’s eyes are closed and no one answers but they’re falling too.
Someone, please. Don’t you see you’re falling? Can no one help me.
And it floods my soul.
And I know.
Then it's submissive but graceful.
And I cry because it hurts how much He loves me. Because it hurts
how much You love me.
So I'm yours, I am so yours. You can have me. I am yours forever.
Help me, you won't fail me.
You've been here. I didn't see but you were there.
I'm yours. Don't leave me. Have my life. It's for you.
You won't leave me, I know now.
And im Listening.
and I feel.
and theres depth.
I have a father.
theres the light.
and im listening!
and you're speaking!
I'll always go first to make space for your story.